How To Gain Self Confidence

This week there was a documentary that came out called Light Girls. I didn't watch it because, I had previously seen the documentary called Dark Girls but, I did read a lot of the online commentary.

Documentaries like these annoy me immensely because, they never offer a solution to the problem. Most site the problem as Colorism which is: Discrimination based on skin color. Which is what this is but, it isn't the root problem. The root of it all and what causes it is lack of self respect and lack of respect for others. Disrespect is what causes someone to make fun of someone because they are different. Children who bully other children usually suffer from a lack of respect for themselves as well.

While I can agree that telling our stories is therapeutic, it isn't all we need to do. We have to move past just talking about these issues and move to really finding a solution for them. Reading a lot of the responses to both of these films was sad because, I could tell people were really hurting and some said the films brought them to tears and brought back old feelings that they had buried away.

You can watch all the documentaries you want and listen to 100 stories like yours but, you have to choose to love you and not look for outside approval. Many of us still seek validation without realizing it and still try to fit certain beauty standards that tell us we aren't naturally beautiful in our own bodies. Not to be corny but, we have to be the change and let that trickle down to our children. It starts within ourselves and you have to guard what you allow to influence how you think about yourself.

Here is how I try to change things within my own home: 

Forget Beauty Standards

I don't read beauty magazines and articles that try to tell me what beauty is. Very seldom will they have a woman who looks like me featured and usually the women are airbrushed, no stretch marks, long hair, etc. I can't be these women and I accept that. Those women aren't even themselves and after reading about the extreme diets many of them go on, I don't want to even look like them. I try not to follow trends unless I genuinely like that style and then it isn't a trend for me. I try to dress and carry myself the way I want to with very little outside influence. I don't care about what is "in" because I will never be "in" to any of these popular magazines and that is really OKAY.

Hurt People Hurt People

Whenever I think about bullies, I try to remember that hurt people, hurt people. A lot of times people just need to be shown how to love themselves. I saw this quote and I loved it because it is very true: 

Folks look in the mirror and pick themselves apart so of course they are going to pick you apart too. I realize this and let insults roll off my back. I let that stuff go. I can't control how others act but, I can control how I react to it and I choose not to allow that negativity in my life. Folks have their own issues within themselves and I am not going to let that change how I view myself. To someone I am beautiful and to someone else I might be ugly, I choose not care either way. I believe I am beautiful and that's all that matters. 

Self Acceptance
It is hard to accept certain features you have if you've been told that those features were ugly for a large portion of your life. This really takes accepting what you can't change. I can't change my skin color, eye color, size of my nose or lips. I really have to just accept these features. We are all unique and that's okay. My outside appearance is such a small part of me, I am so much more than what I look like.  I'm thankful that I have eyes, nose, lips, etc. because there is someone who doesn't have these things but, these features don't determine my value. I'm beautiful not because of how I look but, because of who I am. Features change and hair falls out, gravity takes a hold of things, stretch marks appear and we go through so many other changes, you really can't let your physical appearance consume you. Accept what you look like, make changes where you can and then move on.


Build Your Children Up
As mothers, our self confidence trickles down to our children. I don't want my daughters to hate themselves or any part of them because of something I said. As a mom, I try to watch how I describe my daughters. I don't criticize them. I try to never make any feature of theirs seem ugly. My 5 year old has long kinky hair. She would call it tangly and I had to keep telling her that it gets tangled but, it isn't tangly. I let her know that her hair is just a small part of her and I show her the importance of taking care of it and how unique her hair is. Her friends have different hair than she does and I let her know that is alright. Her hair isn't better than theirs and vice versa. Everyone is special in their own way.

And that really is the core of it all, we are all special in our own way.